Hello World,
Last check in I was feeling the exact same way I feel today. I don’t know what to think about the person that i’ve been seeing. One day we’ll have a great conversation that leaves me thinking that this is okay and that the things that are uncertain are okay. Then the next day his mood changes, he gets mad at me and I don’t react well. His mood affects me so much and I hate that about me.
I hate that he prefers to hang out with others. I hate that he doesn’t want to spend all his time with me. I hate that I feel like he wants to end things with me but because we work together he won’t. I hate that i have all of these thoughts and can’t tell him to his face. I am scared about everything. I overthink every interaction. I am the complete opposite of what a chill girl is. I wish I didn’t care. I tell myself that us ending is for the best, and I truly do believe that ending it sooner rather than later is a good thing. Yet Part of me doesn’t want it to end. I like him, and the good moments are so good, but the low moments, the low moments make me think that none of this is worth it. That if he truly really cared about me to any capacity he would commit to me. Him telling me he’s not looking to date anyone else is not a commitment. I know that in any relationship, committed or not, you have to trust. You have to trust that you are enough- but am I enough? Will I ever be enough?
Me doubting my self worth is not good in any way shape or form. Last weekend was so good, and then this week has been shitty. I got a tattoo and what i thought would be a super happy experience turned out to be mediocre. I don’t regret my tattoo because it’s super cool but i wish i hadn’t asked him to come. I wish i had got it on my own. I need to be more independent. So what if i don’t have friends. so what if i don’t go out every weekend. so what if i don’t go to every single happy hour or to every single event that’s asked of me. It’s ok. my life has always been ok. Ive been here before and i move on. it just sucks that the only way i feel i can escape is by literally leaving. leave a city, leave a job, leave something of me behind. I don’t know what it is about me but i’m starting to think that i’m pretty unloveable. It seems to me that others find partners so much easier than i do.
There must be something that i’m doing wrong. There has got to be something fundamentally wrong with me. I just wish i knew, i just wish i knew what it is that i’m putting out there that men don’t like. I think i’m a good person, i think i’m a caring individual but at the end of the day i must not be. I just would like to find someone that i like and have that person like me back. Is that too much to ask for? Apparently it is and i’m assuming the more i think about it the harder it will be to find it.
I just wish that this dude would talk to me. tell me why he’s angry- tell me upfront that he doesn’t want to date me. Whatever it is, the truth is better than me sitting here, feeling rejected, feeling like a piece of unwanted shit. Another thing that he constantly tells me and should be a huge red flag is how much he doesn’t care what i do. he doesn’t care in the least bit what it is i do with my time. like how can i choose to be with someone that feels this way towards me- why do i have such low standards? why do i not value myself enough to walk away? Why? Why don’t I feel worthy of waiting for more? Or walking away from this. this dude is so hot and cold. sometimes i feel like he cares and wants to spend time with me and literally the next day he is just the complete opposite.
i feel trapped in this cycle and it’s made worse by the fact that we work together. i see how he acts towards others, i see him talking to everyone else but me. i see him planning happy hours with everyone and what am i to him. i feel like i’m just a crutch of when he feels a bit of loneliness female wise i am there. otherwise he is happy, care free on his own. i get invited to hang out with his friends because otherwise he’d be the odd man out. but these friends aren’t even his friend friends. he has this whole other set of people that i will never meet and never get to know
idk what to do. i don’t know what to think. i feel so lost. i hate feelings. i really really really wish i could be one of those people that doesn’t care. I want to get a pet so that i can put my love towards something else but at the same time, i don’t know how to take care of a pet. i’m useless. i’m not the cleanest person so a pet would be so much extra work. i’m not even worthy of having that. good god do i feel like a piece of shit today. i should’ve taken today off. i just want to disappear. i felt so bad yesterday for not wanting to spend more time with my family- i hate that this thing affects me so much. there must be something wrong with me that i take these things so freakin personally.
Will i ever learn? will i ever be happy with who i am? i really hope so. Only time will tell.
If this is the end of it- i’d like to know sooner rather than later.
-SVW
SiliconValleyWoes 