Time is amazing. It allows us to literally live life and everyday do or not do a million things. It also heals ailments, whether physical or of the heart. Turns out then when i go through a breakup there are a few things that I don’t let myself do because I know it’s unhealthy. There are also a lot of things that i stay away from so that they don’t trigger either sad emotions or the wrong kind of thinking for i then just wallow in self pity about how i am going to be forever alone.
With the last guy that I dated i had started watching Parks and Rec and had gotten thru 6 seasons with him and was utterly hooked. We’d watch together all the time and since we broke up I hadn’t been able to watch alone because it just reminded me too much of the time we had together. (It’s amazing how the little things really do affect you the most)
Proud to say that i was finally able to watch the show tonight and all is well. I think i’m well over “it” but still don’t want to see him at any social engagement in the near future. If any event that i’m invited too says he’s going i don’t go or even think of going. I know that it is silly but i know myself and it would bother me to see him just exist happily without me. It sounds super weird to write that but it’s how i feel. I’m healing slowly and am in a better place each day 🙂
Time really does heal all!
So it’s no mystery that I’ve cycled through roommates in the past 5 years. I’ve had cheap rent and have been lucky enough to keep my extremely small but rent controlled apartment. So, like my previous post mentioned I’ve decided to move. In the interest of full discloser I tell roommate one that I am moving in July and I will gladly talk to the landlord so that she can take over the lease if she so chooses (i’ve been the only one on the lease for over a year now). At that moment she tells me she’s moving out in 1.5 weeks!!! Ummmm, okay cool. I don’t mind people moving out but I do mind having it sprung on me with such short notice. Like had I not mentioned my move when was she going to tell me?!?!?!
Now I’m a very sensitive person so I took this personally. I thought we were friends – a friend would never do that. So then i go down the laundry list of ways in which im better off without her and this is the best thing that could happen to me. In reality I’m sad and feel betrayed. I feel like she has never considered me a friend and moving out 3 months before I am just screws me over in having to find a short term tenant and go through the hassle of moving finding a roommate and then moving.
I’m in a fragile state right now. My last breakup really shook me up and the decision to move is not easy. I don’t have a job lined up and I don’t have an apartment lined up but I do know that the time to move is now or never. I’m not getting any younger and deep in my heart I know that I need to be closer to family — to try that living situation out. Not to mention that living in downtown Chicago has been a dream of mine since I was a kid living in the suburbs.
I guess i’m not dealing with change in the best way that i can and this really hit me the wrong way. At the end of the day I’m not going to fight over a money because i believe in karma and know that what goes around comes around. I’d rather focus on finishing off strong at my current job and really find a great job in chicago that i can be excited to go too even in below freezing temperatures.
Overall, i’m sad and feel like living with this person for 3 years and knowing them for almost 7 means nothing. Most people will only selfishly look out for themselves and i need to learn to do the same!
More to come as i kick off my bay area bucket list!
I guess this blog will have to change in about 4-5 months because this gal is moving! Why you ask? Well after 9 glorious years in the bay area i finally realized that i’m wasting my time here. I wouldn’t call the past 9 years wasted, after all 4 of them gave me a college degree but in the past 5 years i’ve done the whole young, dumb and wild thing. I now realize that I want to be closer to home and closer to the place where I’d like to settle down roots. Please don’t take that to mean that i want to settle down because I honestly am not ready. Heartbreak after heartbreak, deception after deception I’ve realized that I’ve kinda been there done that with SF. I have dated every guy imaginable from your startup co-founders, to your engineers, researchers, bartenders, finance guys, consultants; you name it I’ve gone on a date with it. It’s all been great and i’ve learned soooooo much more than I care to know but for now i feel like i want to go try all of this out in my city. Im such a midwestern girl and i’ll never be anything else. I want to live in a city where being punctual is valued!!! You have no idea how much of a deal breaker that is for me -_-
So when am I leaving? The plan is to leave in July. I’m going to start a Bay Area Bucket List and start checking off the things that you HAVE to do before you leave a city like SF. I hope to document this journey a bit better and hope you’ll join me for the ride!
In the mean time i do have to figure out some logistics — like a job and place to live but i feel like the hard part has been done; me deciding to go was the hardest decision i’ve made in a long, long time. I’m going to miss the life i’ve set up here and the routines that i have. I’m going to miss my friends and the comfort of knowing that i’m surrounded by SO many people from different phases of my past 9 years. I’m going to miss my tiny apartment (nostalgically i imagine), and i’m going to miss the vibrant strangers and bustling energy that this city offers; the boundless idea that the next big thing is in our minds and ready to be created. Who knows – maybe i’ll come running back (doubtful) but the door will always be open.
I love you San Francisco; this is the only break up where I know that I want to stay friends!
Oh how time flies! I’m once again back and nursing yet another sting in the world of dating. When will I ever learn? We won’t get into that because the answer is not anytime soon.
So what happened now? To make a long story short i rushed into dating another guy fresh out of a multi year relationship and thought that by having the “are you sure you’re ready to date” convo early on that it wouldn’t be a problem. Truth be told he just wasn’t ready to date and i’m too “not chill” to put up with anything less. This was brought to light by me acting incredibly stupid and embarrassing both of us in front of many people. While i regret my actions that night I don’t regret that it shed light on the bigger problem that was eventually going to creep up. A short relationship is so much better than feeling like you wasted time on something that you should have known better about.
So who was this guy? He’s someone that i’ve known since freshman year of college but hadn’t really interacted too much with. He’s a great guy who still makes me laugh and smile and we’ll continue to be friends — probably better friends because we actually got to know each other. I immediately felt comfortable with him and was able to by myself and let go more than with anyone I’ve ever been with. While we only dated for 1.5 months — the relationship (minus the one night) were great. We both made each other laugh and we talked so so much. We shared experiences about our childhoods, our dreams, our regrets and also made fun of each other for the dumb shit we did. He supported my new found love of knitting and was honest about how basic he thought my tattoo was.
At the end of the day we’re both better off not together but for a brief 1.5months we had fun. We watched 6/7 star wars movies together(I had never seen ANY of them) and he introduced me to Parks & Rec as well as taught me how to play some poker on the last day we spent together. I kicked his butt at skeeball and we made silly bets we never to got to actually do. While i will mourn the loss of this, it’s nothing in comparison to the times well spent. We will both move on and have to accept that timing is everything in relationships and it just wasn’t in the cards for us.
For now, i’ll go back to focusing on me, my friends and my volunteer opportunities. I’ll take the much needed dating break that i’ve needed since August and let the universe do its thing. I’ll stop obsessing over the nonexistent texts and the nonexistent demands on my time. I’ll try each day to be more mindful of living in the moment and taking care of myself because none of us are getting any younger. Maybe i’ll finally buy that turtle i’m always talking about getting.
More to come.