I’m sure you’re all familiar with the concept of feelings. Merriam Webster defines a feeling as an emotional state or reaction. Everyone experiences feelings differently and depending on your family, your upbringing and your culture you learn to express them in different ways.
Now I’m not a big believer in astrology but I do on occasion turn to my horoscope to see what fun tidbits I self prophetize into my life. I’m a cancer and we’re known to be super sensitive creatures with a lot of feelings. I generally agree with this but I was also raised to believe that showing emotion is a sign of weakness and am not very comfortable expressing my own feelings or putting myself in such a state of vulnerability.
The past couple of months have been unique for me for several reasons and have thrown my normally static emotional state into a bit of a frenzy. My poor friends and roommates have heard bits and pieces of this and have witnessed the craziness that has ensued from me trying to deal with this.
Here is a list of all of the things that have caused me to either act/be crazy.
- Dubious medical results that could have ended in the diagnoses of cancer. While unlikely it still threw me into a nervous, paranoid and freaked out mode for the month between appointments and finding out!
- I’M OKAY I DO NOT HAVE ANY AILMENTS 🙂
- Along the same wavelength we had a friend of the family pass away from cancer right when I had received said dubious news and family conversations centered around nothing but death and cancer related deaths.
- I didn’t tell my family about my state of affairs so of course they didn’t know how much hearing about such tragedy was affecting me.
- I was traveling and taking time off of work. I was very stressed out about the amount of work I had to finish before being able to leave! I was not pleasant to be around on my last day before taking off for a week.
- I was visiting my family for an entire week and while I love my family more than I can accurately describe I can no longer live at home for that long with out going a bit stir crazy. Emotions run high after 3 days of being back home.
- I’m in a dubious dating situation. I’ve been seeing the same guy (more to come in later posts about that) for over 3 months now and as the perpetually single person in my friend group I don’t know what the hell i’m doing nor how to feel about this stage of dating.
- Then there’s my job. I love so many things about my job but one of them is not the career change that has made me an entry level employee at a time where I should be further along in my career. I’m constantly annoyed by watching those who have less work experience do things that I’m more competent at but because of my title/position it’s no longer my place to do these things.
- I also briefly had a roommate who had just moved in tell me that she was moving out and had to find another one – no bueno on the stress levels.
All of the above coupled with the tiny minutia that occur in day to day life caused me to be an emotional wreck that did stupid shit. I acted out, was immature, did things I regret and was your typical 20-something that doesn’t know how to handle themselves.
Right now, it’s my birthday month and that has caused the usual reflection that comes with aging and getting older. I feel in a much better place than right now than I have the last couple of months because I’ve come to accept that life is short and I should never be stressed over things that I cannot control. If I get dumped it’s not the end of the world and if I need to jump on craigslist to find a new roommate – not a big deal. I guess sometimes you need a reminder that life can take you in very different directions and you shouldn’t fixate on a specific ideal because the best things in life are sometimes the ones you do not plan!
So it turns out that sometimes when you go out on one date it can lead to another and another and another. Apparently this is called dating. Now I’m not very familiar with this version of dating so please bear with me as I try to explain and learn in the process.
So dating as I know it consists of going on dates with different people. Typically you meet someone (in person or via app) and seem to think “they don’t look like serial killers” and you organize an outing. In San Francisco this usually involves meeting in a public place for drinks. After that, if you both tolerated each other and/or had a good time you plan a second date and that usually involves an actual meal. After that I normally go back to step one. That is the kind of dating that I’m familiar with. It involves dates, but there’s also a lot of scouting and vetting that goes on.
Most recently this past April I matched with a guy on a dating app and didn’t think much of it. Truth is, while I may get (what I consider) a lot of matches I usually have a terrible response rate. I purposefully took myself off of the Bumble market because not one person that I messaged responded to me! Yes that’s embarrassing, yes I probably should’ve kept that to myself.
[This is the part where the story starts to get really long and drawn out and I provide more details than necessary]
Anyways, this guy messages me (I really wish I could remember what the first thing he said to me was, but given that the matches expire after 21 days we will never know!) Friendly chit chat ensues and after several rescheduling attempts we decide to meet for drinks on a Thursday. Drinks somehow turned into meeting for dinner and overall it was a good date. I wouldn’t say great because although the conversation flowed there were some instances of awkwardness at least on my behalf. I’m just awkward and painfully self aware of everything I do in the moment that I’m doing it, which can sometimes be a problem. Luckily there was a couple next to us that was having a date that seemed to be exponentially less good than ours and I think that helped us feel better about ourselves. (Seriously guys, this other date was BAD. They spent a majority of the date talking about the names of the dishes -_- And yes, I was eavesdropping because I couldn’t pass up this gem of a date.) Alas, date ends, check comes (he paid, despite my card in hand and offer to split) and he says “I’ll get this one because I picked the place. You can get the next one.” Lyfts are called, (I EXCLUSIVELY only use Lyft. Don’t get me started on why I don’t use Uber. Please don’t, you’ll regret asking me.) cordial hugs are exchanged and we are both on our way.
Post date thoughts:
- I should have had a drink before we met up.
- I have a pre-date routine of sipping on a drink while I get ready, but I was coming straight from work and a meeting with a group that I volunteer with. The drink is absolutely a placebo to calm me down and ease my anxiety of the potential awkwardness that the date can be.
- I was quite unsure of whether I felt “sparks” or thought we had “chemistry” but I’m a big believer in giving good dates a second date because I don’t think you can tell on a first date whether you’re compatible with someone and deep down (not that deep down) I’m a helpless romantic that believes in the process.
- [SIDE STORY] I actually used a Lyft Line to get home that night and felt like I really hit it off with the guy I was sharing the ride home with. He was super charming and handsome and asked me for my number. He disclosed that’d he’d be out of town that weekend but would love to grab coffee the following week. I gave him my number but because I have a bit of control issues I told him that I’d be the one to text him to hang out. I never did, mostly because I hate the thought of dating multiple people at the same time. I like to exhaust one possibility and then move on. I feel like it’s unfair to the person if you don’t give them your full attention even if you only ever go on two dates. Different strokes for different folks (I know plenty of people who stack up dates and that works for them but that just doesn’t sit well with my conscience)
- I was impressed with this guy’s level of confidence and attentiveness.
- I appreciated being treated to dinner. While I am the type that always, always, always offers to split the bill on the first date (and I mean it, I’m not just ruffling in my purse — I don’t play those games) there was something alluring about how this felt like a real date you see on sitcoms and/or romcoms.
There is obviously more to this story but I will end this already long post with a quote from a random dude on twitter @sgrstk “Don’t wait for someone to text you first. Dating is like sharing nachos: If you see a chip you want, fucking take it. Or somebody else will.”
To be continued…
As I mentioned in previous blog posts, I’ve got a pretty good rhythm going on in my life right now. I’ve been at my job long enough to know I’m doing enough things right that I won’t be fired (woooo!) And I’ve been putting myself out there in terms of being social and dating.
A bit of background on me and my dating history:
- I’m kind’ve a huge loner. I don’t feel lonely when I’m alone and I think that’s an important distinction 🙂
- I’m a helpless romantic turned semi realist, kinda cynical and definitely guarded when it comes to dating and love.
- I’m an excellent wing woman!
- I have succumbed to the world of dating apps (except Tinder).
- However, I don’t have much luck on those. I’ll spare you the details of why I think that is.
- Now, I won’t claim to have ever actually experienced love in the romantic sense but I do know that I’ve liked a person enough that when things ended I was sad for more than two weeks.
- I’ve also been cheated on twice (there’s only been three relationships in my life; so take that as you will) and as a result I’m really paranoid about that happening again.
- I’m terrible at expressing emotions or feelings in front of others, unless those feelings are about wanting fries.
- I’ve got the first date routine down to a science.
- I’m terrible beyond date two because I NEVER get passed date two.
- I’m very guarded even in my friendships and it takes A LOT of trust to get me to open up about things. So If I do open up, know that it’s genuine and I care about you.
That sums up most of who I am and how I am as a dater. In my next blog post I talk about how the dating is going.