Hello world —
Yesterday was my last day of work. Today is my first day of unemployment. It’s one of those surreal things where I’m still kind of in denial that i quit my job. It feels weird to not be stressed. It feels weird to know that I have absolutely zero things that tie me down. I just sent my rent check for my last month in the city and I went grocery shopping.
Today begins the last 25 days of being a silicon valley person. Today i continue with my farewells and goodbyes. Today i let go of the fear i still have and embrace the unknown.
There are so many mixed emotions.
To be continued.
So it’s no mystery that I’ve cycled through roommates in the past 5 years. I’ve had cheap rent and have been lucky enough to keep my extremely small but rent controlled apartment. So, like my previous post mentioned I’ve decided to move. In the interest of full discloser I tell roommate one that I am moving in July and I will gladly talk to the landlord so that she can take over the lease if she so chooses (i’ve been the only one on the lease for over a year now). At that moment she tells me she’s moving out in 1.5 weeks!!! Ummmm, okay cool. I don’t mind people moving out but I do mind having it sprung on me with such short notice. Like had I not mentioned my move when was she going to tell me?!?!?!
Now I’m a very sensitive person so I took this personally. I thought we were friends – a friend would never do that. So then i go down the laundry list of ways in which im better off without her and this is the best thing that could happen to me. In reality I’m sad and feel betrayed. I feel like she has never considered me a friend and moving out 3 months before I am just screws me over in having to find a short term tenant and go through the hassle of moving finding a roommate and then moving.
I’m in a fragile state right now. My last breakup really shook me up and the decision to move is not easy. I don’t have a job lined up and I don’t have an apartment lined up but I do know that the time to move is now or never. I’m not getting any younger and deep in my heart I know that I need to be closer to family — to try that living situation out. Not to mention that living in downtown Chicago has been a dream of mine since I was a kid living in the suburbs.
I guess i’m not dealing with change in the best way that i can and this really hit me the wrong way. At the end of the day I’m not going to fight over a money because i believe in karma and know that what goes around comes around. I’d rather focus on finishing off strong at my current job and really find a great job in chicago that i can be excited to go too even in below freezing temperatures.
Overall, i’m sad and feel like living with this person for 3 years and knowing them for almost 7 means nothing. Most people will only selfishly look out for themselves and i need to learn to do the same!
More to come as i kick off my bay area bucket list!
I guess this blog will have to change in about 4-5 months because this gal is moving! Why you ask? Well after 9 glorious years in the bay area i finally realized that i’m wasting my time here. I wouldn’t call the past 9 years wasted, after all 4 of them gave me a college degree but in the past 5 years i’ve done the whole young, dumb and wild thing. I now realize that I want to be closer to home and closer to the place where I’d like to settle down roots. Please don’t take that to mean that i want to settle down because I honestly am not ready. Heartbreak after heartbreak, deception after deception I’ve realized that I’ve kinda been there done that with SF. I have dated every guy imaginable from your startup co-founders, to your engineers, researchers, bartenders, finance guys, consultants; you name it I’ve gone on a date with it. It’s all been great and i’ve learned soooooo much more than I care to know but for now i feel like i want to go try all of this out in my city. Im such a midwestern girl and i’ll never be anything else. I want to live in a city where being punctual is valued!!! You have no idea how much of a deal breaker that is for me -_-
So when am I leaving? The plan is to leave in July. I’m going to start a Bay Area Bucket List and start checking off the things that you HAVE to do before you leave a city like SF. I hope to document this journey a bit better and hope you’ll join me for the ride!
In the mean time i do have to figure out some logistics — like a job and place to live but i feel like the hard part has been done; me deciding to go was the hardest decision i’ve made in a long, long time. I’m going to miss the life i’ve set up here and the routines that i have. I’m going to miss my friends and the comfort of knowing that i’m surrounded by SO many people from different phases of my past 9 years. I’m going to miss my tiny apartment (nostalgically i imagine), and i’m going to miss the vibrant strangers and bustling energy that this city offers; the boundless idea that the next big thing is in our minds and ready to be created. Who knows – maybe i’ll come running back (doubtful) but the door will always be open.
I love you San Francisco; this is the only break up where I know that I want to stay friends!
I’m sure you’re all familiar with the concept of feelings. Merriam Webster defines a feeling as an emotional state or reaction. Everyone experiences feelings differently and depending on your family, your upbringing and your culture you learn to express them in different ways.
Now I’m not a big believer in astrology but I do on occasion turn to my horoscope to see what fun tidbits I self prophetize into my life. I’m a cancer and we’re known to be super sensitive creatures with a lot of feelings. I generally agree with this but I was also raised to believe that showing emotion is a sign of weakness and am not very comfortable expressing my own feelings or putting myself in such a state of vulnerability.
The past couple of months have been unique for me for several reasons and have thrown my normally static emotional state into a bit of a frenzy. My poor friends and roommates have heard bits and pieces of this and have witnessed the craziness that has ensued from me trying to deal with this.
Here is a list of all of the things that have caused me to either act/be crazy.
- Dubious medical results that could have ended in the diagnoses of cancer. While unlikely it still threw me into a nervous, paranoid and freaked out mode for the month between appointments and finding out!
- I’M OKAY I DO NOT HAVE ANY AILMENTS 🙂
- Along the same wavelength we had a friend of the family pass away from cancer right when I had received said dubious news and family conversations centered around nothing but death and cancer related deaths.
- I didn’t tell my family about my state of affairs so of course they didn’t know how much hearing about such tragedy was affecting me.
- I was traveling and taking time off of work. I was very stressed out about the amount of work I had to finish before being able to leave! I was not pleasant to be around on my last day before taking off for a week.
- I was visiting my family for an entire week and while I love my family more than I can accurately describe I can no longer live at home for that long with out going a bit stir crazy. Emotions run high after 3 days of being back home.
- I’m in a dubious dating situation. I’ve been seeing the same guy (more to come in later posts about that) for over 3 months now and as the perpetually single person in my friend group I don’t know what the hell i’m doing nor how to feel about this stage of dating.
- Then there’s my job. I love so many things about my job but one of them is not the career change that has made me an entry level employee at a time where I should be further along in my career. I’m constantly annoyed by watching those who have less work experience do things that I’m more competent at but because of my title/position it’s no longer my place to do these things.
- I also briefly had a roommate who had just moved in tell me that she was moving out and had to find another one – no bueno on the stress levels.
All of the above coupled with the tiny minutia that occur in day to day life caused me to be an emotional wreck that did stupid shit. I acted out, was immature, did things I regret and was your typical 20-something that doesn’t know how to handle themselves.
Right now, it’s my birthday month and that has caused the usual reflection that comes with aging and getting older. I feel in a much better place than right now than I have the last couple of months because I’ve come to accept that life is short and I should never be stressed over things that I cannot control. If I get dumped it’s not the end of the world and if I need to jump on craigslist to find a new roommate – not a big deal. I guess sometimes you need a reminder that life can take you in very different directions and you shouldn’t fixate on a specific ideal because the best things in life are sometimes the ones you do not plan!