The one where i talk about vulnerability

Dear World,

I’m not one for showing my emotions or admitting that i have feelings but i have so, so many of them. Yesterday i was able to see the person who last broke my heart and i realized that he continues to break my heart. Seeing him is seeing rejection personified. Seeing him makes me realize that no matter what i do he will not care about me. Looks don’t matter, personality doesn’t matter, if someone doesn’t like you they will never like you no matter what/how you change.

If they text you it does not mean that they like you. If they text you late at night it does not mean that they want to spend time with you. If they text you it does not mean anything. Getting your hopes up and imagining that it does will only set you up for failure — i lived it last night.

I put myself out there and told him that i missed him. He looked at me like i was crazy and it broke my heart all over again. I’m still confused as to why i continue to like this person — i know better. I know that we weren’t good together. I know that him and i would never be together long term and yet i continue to mourn the loss of him and what we had. I guess after years of never being comfortable enough to be myself i find it hard to let go of that. I had never dated a friend and after this don’t think that i ever want to again. i don’t want to be dramatic but good god am i sick of being hurt and sick of having mutual friends and sick of being the one who cares and the one that has to remove herself from social situations. i hate that i am the one whose life has to change.

I am moving in less than 3 weeks and i can’t emphasize enough how ready i am to go. i am not moving to escape a person but rather a way of living. i do not like the person that i became here and i don’t like the shallow and superficial friendships that i’ve created. i will miss so many people and so many things but i will not miss being treated like just a commodity. i do not truly believe that i am deeply cared about and that is the fundamental problem of everything and that i am fed up with.

I am constantly being vulnerable and putting myself out there by caring too much about others and expecting the same in return. i don’t think that will change about me but at least when i move i can focus my energy on other things such as my family and volunteer work. I’ve come to realize that no matter what, my family relationships are the ones i should be cultivating because no matter what they continue to care about me.

I’m very sad to leave a place knowing that the relationships i cultivated were all so shallow and superficial. In a world where connecting is so valued i feel like it only makes it easier to not care about more people. Perhaps it was mean of me to tell this person the he’s the straw that broke the camels back for me to leave, but maybe just maybe it’ll make them realize that the little things can really impact people and that if you choose to walk away from a person you can’t expect a friendship to remain intact.

To be continued.



The one where i talk about my last day of work

Hello world —

Yesterday was my last day of work. Today is my first day of unemployment. It’s one of those surreal things where I’m still kind of in denial that i quit my job. It feels weird to not be stressed. It feels weird to know that I have absolutely zero things that tie me down. I just sent my rent check for my last month in the city and I went grocery shopping.

Today begins the last 25 days of being a silicon valley person. Today i continue with my farewells and goodbyes. Today i let go of the fear i still have and embrace the unknown.

There are so many mixed emotions.

To be continued.


the one where i feel betrayed

Hello World,

So it’s no mystery that I’ve cycled through roommates in the past 5 years. I’ve had cheap rent and have been lucky enough to keep my extremely small but rent controlled apartment. So, like my previous post mentioned I’ve decided to move. In the interest of full discloser I tell roommate one that I am moving in July and I will gladly talk to the landlord so that she can take over the lease if she so chooses (i’ve been the only one on the lease for over a year now). At that moment she tells me she’s moving out in 1.5 weeks!!! Ummmm, okay cool. I don’t mind people moving out but I do mind having it sprung on me with such short notice. Like had I not mentioned my move when was she going to tell me?!?!?!

Now I’m a very sensitive person so I took this personally. I thought we were friends – a friend would never do that. So then i go down the laundry list of ways in which im better off without her and this is the best thing that could happen to me. In reality I’m sad and feel betrayed. I feel like she has never considered me a friend and moving out 3 months before I am just screws me over in having to find a short term tenant and go through the hassle of moving finding a roommate and then moving.

I’m in a fragile state right now. My last breakup really shook me up and the decision to move is not easy. I don’t have a job lined up and I don’t have an apartment lined up but I do know that the time to move is now or never. I’m not getting any younger and deep in my heart I know that I need to be closer to family — to try that living situation out. Not to mention that living in downtown Chicago has been a dream of mine since I was a kid living in the suburbs.

I guess i’m not dealing with change in the best way that i can and this really hit me the wrong way. At the end of the day I’m not going to fight over a money because i believe in karma and know that what goes around comes around. I’d rather focus on finishing off strong at my current job and really find a great job in chicago that i can be excited to go too even in below freezing temperatures.

Overall, i’m sad and feel like living with this person for 3 years and knowing them for almost 7 means nothing. Most people will only selfishly look out for themselves and i need to learn to do the same!

More to come as i kick off my bay area bucket list!


the one where i finally decide to move

Hello World,

I guess this blog will have to change in about 4-5 months because this gal is moving! Why you ask? Well after 9 glorious years in the bay area i finally realized that i’m wasting my time here. I wouldn’t call the past 9 years wasted, after all 4 of them gave me a college degree but in the past 5 years i’ve done the whole young, dumb and wild thing. I now realize that I want to be closer to home and closer to the place where I’d like to settle down roots. Please don’t take that to mean that i want to settle down because I honestly am not ready. Heartbreak after heartbreak, deception after deception I’ve realized that I’ve kinda been there done that with SF. I have dated every guy imaginable from your startup co-founders, to your engineers, researchers, bartenders, finance guys, consultants; you name it I’ve gone on a date with it. It’s all been great and i’ve learned soooooo much more than I care to know but for now i feel like i want to go try all of this out in my city. Im such a midwestern girl and i’ll never be anything else. I want to live in a city where being punctual is valued!!! You have no idea how much of a deal breaker that is for me -_-

So when am I leaving? The plan is to leave in July. I’m going to start a Bay Area Bucket List and start checking off the things that you HAVE to do before you leave a city like SF. I hope to document this journey a bit better and hope you’ll join me for the ride!

In the mean time i do have to figure out some logistics — like a job and place to live but i feel like the hard part has been done; me deciding to go was the hardest decision i’ve made in a long, long time. I’m going to miss the life i’ve set up here and the routines that i have. I’m going to miss my friends and the comfort of knowing that i’m surrounded by SO many people from different phases of my past 9 years. I’m going to miss my tiny apartment (nostalgically i imagine), and i’m going to miss the vibrant strangers and bustling energy that this city offers; the boundless idea that the next big thing is in our minds and ready to be created. Who knows – maybe i’ll come running back (doubtful) but the door will always be open.

I love you San Francisco; this is the only break up where I know that I want to stay friends!



the one where i talk about another boy

Hello World,

Oh how time flies! I’m once again back and nursing yet another sting in the world of dating. When will I ever learn? We won’t get into that because the answer is not anytime soon.

So what happened now? To make a long story short i rushed into dating another guy fresh out of a multi year relationship and thought that by having the “are you sure you’re ready to date” convo early on that it wouldn’t be a problem. Truth be told he just wasn’t ready to date and i’m too “not chill” to put up with anything less. This was brought to light by me acting incredibly stupid and embarrassing both of us in front of many people. While i regret my actions that night I don’t regret that it shed light on the bigger problem that was eventually going to creep up. A short relationship is so much better than feeling like you wasted time on something that you should have known better about.

So who was this guy? He’s someone that i’ve known since freshman year of college but hadn’t really interacted too much with. He’s a great guy who still makes me laugh and smile and we’ll continue to be friends — probably better friends because we actually got to know each other. I immediately felt comfortable with him and was able to by myself and let go more than with anyone I’ve ever been with. While we only dated for 1.5 months — the relationship (minus the one night) were great. We both made each other laugh and we talked so so much. We shared experiences about our childhoods, our dreams, our regrets and also made fun of each other for the dumb shit we did. He supported my new found love of knitting and was honest about how basic he thought my tattoo was.

At the end of the day we’re both better off not together but for a brief 1.5months we had fun. We watched 6/7 star wars movies together(I had never seen ANY of them) and he introduced me to Parks & Rec as well as taught me how to play some poker on the last day we spent together. I kicked his butt at skeeball and we made silly bets we never to got to actually do. While i will mourn the loss of this, it’s nothing in comparison to the times well spent. We will both move on and have to accept that timing is everything in relationships and it just wasn’t in the cards for us.

For now, i’ll go back to focusing on me, my friends and my volunteer opportunities. I’ll take the much needed dating break that i’ve needed since August and let the universe do its thing. I’ll stop obsessing over the nonexistent texts and the nonexistent demands on my time. I’ll try each day to be more mindful of living in the moment and taking care of myself because none of us are getting any younger. Maybe i’ll finally buy that turtle i’m always talking about getting.

More to come.



the one where i talk about rejection

Hello World,

Let’s talk about rejection. We’ve all experienced rejection at some point in our lives. Whether you didn’t get into your dream school, that perfect job didn’t come through, or simply the guy you were into didn’t reciprocate. It can be a hard thing to process and move on from especially if you internalize the rejection.

If dating in silicon valley has taught me anything, it’s that you cannot take it personally. No matter how many times I come to the conclusion that anything that ends is for the best, there is the inherent “what did I do wrong?” line of questioning that I go through.

Let us walk through an example, we’ll use the last guy I dated and call him Jay*. So Jay and I met through a dating app and quickly hit it off. For the short 2.5 months that we dated we saw eachother almost every other day. He was attentive, he was a gentleman and he made me feel special. He complimented me like no had ever done before and he made me learn to appreciate and feel beautiful despite what I consider physical flaws.

We hung out a lot and he even offered to accompany me when I boldly proclaimed that I was going to go get a tattoo. He held my hand and didn’t make too much fun of all the crazy faces I made in the process. Then all of a sudden, he get’s a new job that’s out of the city and despite me being legitimately happy for him, I knew that this was ending. I don’t believe in long distance even if it’s only 40 miles, an hour train ride away, or whatever illustration shows that the distance was not terrible.

Long story short, within a week Jay completely became a different person. He no longer responded to texts the way he did before, he kept postponing and cancelling dates; in  essence he was trying to ghost me! Now i’ve been there done that with ghosting and it fuckin sucks on both ends of the spectrum — whether you’re the shitty person doing it or it’s done to you. So I’ve learned in the last couple of years to not ghost and actively call out those who are doing it to me and end things immediately. I don’t believe in stringing people along, or being kept on someones back burner.

So I called out Jay and we ended things soon after. It was an amicable break – but it stung, it hurt and it bothered the hell out of me. Despite knowing that this was the rational decision to make I couldn’t help but think that I just wasn’t worth a measly train ride. I thought that if he truly thought I was special he wouldn’t want to lose me. I thought that he would come to his senses and realize that he actually did like me enough and come running back to me.

Boy was I wrong, not only are these thoughts insane but someone not wanting to date me should not dictate my self esteem. Also, by not accepting distance as a legitimate reason to break up I was letting myself be delusional. Talk about being in denial in the face of rejection. Fast forward to 3-4 weeks post breakup and we had been texting and chatting and I of course mistook this for continued interest. In my mind, “i miss your sass” was “i miss you and i want you back” So with some liquid courage i finally asked the question i know that i didn’t want answered “do you want to keep dating or just be friends?” I sensed i was being strung along and knew that i would somehow rationalize it in my head unless i flatly asked. Needless to say, i got the answer i didn’t want and we have progressed to an actual break up. I know the truth, I have accepted the rejection and i have processed it. I know that i can’t take it personally and as easily as he came into my life he’s now gone and that’s ok.

Accepting rejection when it comes to us is an opportunity to evaluate our emotions and learn to deal with them. Putting off rejection or rationalizing it as something it’s not will come back to haunt you. Don’t do what i did, be better! Dating is hard and rejection is hard but it truly let’s you focus on what is more important in life. It’s also important to focus on the positive and loving people you have in your life. I knew that i had not done this with this breakup or my previous one and it’s time for a self proclaimed time out. I won’t actively seek out dates but if one comes along I won’t say no. I’m no longer on dating apps and when i go out meeting someone is the not purpose.

I’ve very excited to focus on me and my friends and see what life throws at me next — actually life happened as soon as I took this approach.

More to come on that!



*name has been changed

the one where i talk about my flaws

Hello World,

As someone who claims to be amazing, I am also someone who is extremely aware of my flaws. In no particular order, here a few:

  • I’m very sensitive
    • I can also be extremely cold hearted and cynical in an attempt to hide/combat my softer side
  • I can be too straight forward — sometimes to the detriment of politeness
  • I procrastinate like no other person you’ve ever met
  • I’m selfish
  • I’m impulsive
  • I’m stubborn
  • Despite having so many feelings, it’s very hard for me to express them
  • I drink too much diet coke
  • I too often focus on the present to the detriment of the future

Writing these down is an exercise to further acknowlede that in order to be a better person you have to first admit that there are things to work on. I will never be perfect, nor should that be the goal but I know that I can be better. I can learn to communicate more effectively; I can learn to think more of others; I can be a better friend, daughter, person.

Any tips on becoming more mindful are welcome!


The one where i write another life recap

Hello World,

Turns out that I’m the worst blogger in the world and the kind of person that literally lets months and months get away from me! I’ve got some life updates to share that will inform the next few blog posts so bare wtih me. It’s also fitting that the end of the year is upon us and it’s a good time to reflect on the year that has passed and how the year has changed us for better or worse.

Here are a few highlights to catch you all up:

  • I broke up with the guy who inspired the previous dating and DTR posts
    • It was amicable and needed and i instantly became so much happier
  • I became vegan for a month
    • September was a very, very long month
  • I got all four wisdom teeth removed
    • I have a lovely story about how the anesthesia wouldn’t take (ask me later about that)
  • I got a new job! Now I work in the heart of SF – Union Square 🙂
    • This cuts down my commute to 17 minutes by foot
  • I ran a terrible half marathon and 10 mile race
    • i’ve let my exercise habits go down the drain (the new year will, like always, be a year of fitness)
  • I started dating a lovely guy whom i thought would last slightly longer than the others only to again, not last, and leave me wondering what the hell is wrong with me
  • I got a tattoo!!!! If you know me IRL you know how big of a freakin deal this is
  • I officially finished paying off all of my debt
    • This includes student loans and credit cards

That about sums up the past five months that I have been away. In hindsight, a lot more than I thought happened to me. All of these things are pretty life altering and memorable and I’m glad to be writing them down.

More to come!


The one where i talk about my current emotional state

Hello World,

I’m sure you’re all familiar with the concept of feelings. Merriam Webster defines a feeling as an emotional state or reaction. Everyone experiences feelings differently and depending on your family, your upbringing and your culture you learn to express them in different ways.

Now I’m not a big believer in astrology but I do on occasion turn to my horoscope to see what fun tidbits I self prophetize into my life. I’m a cancer and we’re known to be super sensitive creatures with a lot of feelings. I generally agree with this but I was also raised to believe that showing emotion is a sign of weakness and am not very comfortable expressing my own feelings or putting myself in such a state of vulnerability.

The past couple of months have been unique for me for several reasons and have thrown my normally static emotional state into a bit of a frenzy. My poor friends and roommates have heard bits and pieces of this and have witnessed the craziness that has ensued from me trying to deal with this.

Here is a list of all of the things that have caused me to either act/be crazy.

  • Dubious medical results that could have ended in the diagnoses of cancer. While unlikely it still threw me into a nervous, paranoid and freaked out mode for the month between appointments and finding out!
  • Along the same wavelength we had a friend of the family pass away from cancer right when I had received said dubious news and family conversations centered around nothing but death and cancer related deaths.
    • I didn’t tell my family about my state of affairs so of course they didn’t know how much hearing about such tragedy was affecting me.
  • I was traveling and taking time off of work. I was very stressed out about the amount of work I had to finish before being able to leave! I was not pleasant to be around on my last day before taking off for a week.
  • I was visiting my family for an entire week and while I love my family more than I can accurately describe I can no longer live at home for that long with out going a bit stir crazy. Emotions run high after 3 days of being back home.
  • I’m in a dubious dating situation. I’ve been seeing the same guy (more to come in later posts about that) for over 3 months now and as the perpetually single person in my friend group I don’t know what the hell i’m doing nor how to feel about this stage of dating.
  • Then there’s my job. I love so many things about my job but one of them is not the career change that has made me an entry level employee at a time where I should be further along in my career. I’m constantly annoyed by watching those who have less work experience do things that I’m more competent at but because of my title/position it’s no longer my place to do these things.
  • I also briefly had a roommate who had just moved in tell me that she was moving out and had to find another one – no bueno on the stress levels.

All of the above coupled with the tiny minutia that occur in day to day life caused me to be an emotional wreck that did stupid shit. I acted out, was immature, did things I regret and was your typical 20-something that doesn’t know how to handle themselves.

Right now, it’s my birthday month and that has caused the usual reflection that comes with aging and getting older. I feel in a much better place than right now than I have the last couple of months because I’ve come to accept that life is short and I should never be stressed over things that I cannot control. If I get dumped it’s not the end of the world and if I need to jump on craigslist to find a new roommate – not a big deal. I guess sometimes you need a reminder that life can take you in very different directions and you shouldn’t fixate on a specific ideal because the best things in life are sometimes the ones you do not plan!



The one where i’m still talking about dating

Hello World,

So it turns out that sometimes when you go out on one date it can lead to another and another and another. Apparently this is called dating. Now I’m not very familiar with this version of dating so please bear with me as I try to explain and learn in the process.

So dating as I know it consists of going on dates with different people. Typically you meet someone (in person or via app) and seem to think “they don’t look like serial killers” and you organize an outing. In San Francisco this usually involves meeting in a public place for drinks. After that, if you both tolerated each other and/or had a good time you plan a second date and that usually involves an actual meal. After that I normally go back to step one. That is the kind of dating that I’m familiar with. It involves dates, but there’s also a lot of scouting and vetting that goes on.

Most recently this past April I matched with a guy on a dating app and didn’t think much of it. Truth is, while I may get (what I consider) a lot of matches I usually have a terrible response rate. I purposefully took myself off of the Bumble market because not one person that I messaged responded to me! Yes that’s embarrassing, yes I probably should’ve kept that to myself.

[This is the part where the story starts to get really long and drawn out and I provide more details than necessary]

Anyways, this guy messages me (I really wish I could remember what the first thing he said to me was, but given that the matches expire after 21 days we will never know!) Friendly chit chat ensues and after several rescheduling attempts we decide to meet for drinks on a Thursday. Drinks somehow turned into meeting for dinner and overall it was a good date. I wouldn’t say great because although the conversation flowed there were some instances of awkwardness at least on my behalf. I’m just awkward and painfully self aware of everything I do in the moment that I’m doing it, which can sometimes be a problem. Luckily there was a couple next to us that was having a date that seemed to be exponentially less good than ours and I think that helped us feel better about ourselves. (Seriously guys, this other date was BAD. They spent a majority of the date talking about the names of the dishes -_-  And yes, I was eavesdropping because I couldn’t pass up this gem of a date.) Alas, date ends, check comes (he paid, despite my card in hand and offer to split) and he says “I’ll get this one because I picked the place. You can get the next one.” Lyfts are called, (I EXCLUSIVELY only use Lyft. Don’t get me started on why I don’t use Uber. Please don’t, you’ll regret asking me.) cordial hugs are exchanged and we are both on our way.

Post date thoughts:

  • I should have had a drink before we met up.
    • I have a pre-date routine of sipping on a drink while I get ready, but I was coming straight from work and a meeting with a group that I volunteer with. The drink is absolutely a placebo to calm me down and ease my anxiety of the potential awkwardness that the date can be.
  • I was quite unsure of whether I felt “sparks” or thought we had “chemistry” but I’m a big believer in giving good dates a second date because I don’t think you can tell on a first date whether you’re compatible with someone and deep down (not that deep down) I’m a helpless romantic that believes in the process.
    • [SIDE STORY] I actually used a Lyft Line to get home that night and felt like I really hit it off with the guy I was sharing the ride home with. He was super charming and handsome and asked me for my number. He disclosed that’d he’d be out of town that weekend but would love to grab coffee the following week. I gave him my number but because I have a bit of control issues I told him that I’d be the one to text him to hang out. I never did, mostly because I hate the thought of dating multiple people at the same time. I like to exhaust one possibility and then move on. I feel like it’s unfair to the person if you don’t give them your full attention even if you only ever go on two dates. Different strokes for different folks (I know plenty of people who stack up dates and that works for them but that just doesn’t sit well with my conscience)
  • I was impressed with this guy’s level of confidence and attentiveness.
  • I appreciated being treated to dinner. While I am the type that always, always, always offers to split the bill on the first date (and I mean it, I’m not just ruffling in my purse — I don’t play those games) there was something alluring about how this felt like a real date you see on sitcoms and/or romcoms.

There is obviously more to this story but I will end this already long post with a quote from a random dude on twitter @sgrstk “Don’t wait for someone to text you first. Dating is like sharing nachos: If you see a chip you want, fucking take it. Or somebody else will.”

To be continued…