hello world,
This week i’m working on self respect. i don’t have any. i am constantly letting my emotions get the better of me. i have let a stupid crush/infatuation/relationship/whatever i can even call it get the better of me. i’ve let my emotions do the acting and i regret it immensely. i am suffering through a breakup and it sucks. i became that “crazy” person that no one wants to be. the crazy person that people lose respect for. i am that person and in the mean time while i figure out what to do with myself, i am a crying and confused mess.
i don’t know how many times i have to hear that someone doesn’t want to be with me before i actually freakin believe it. like what is wrong with me that i can’t get it through my thick skull. it hurts to be rejected. it hurts to be ignored. it hurts to know someone cut you out of their life. it just hurts. it hurts to think you were in one place and someones feelings could change so much and yours go in the opposite direction. i honestly wish that i could crawl in a hold and make it all disappear. it’s not that easy though and it will never be that easy. time heals all. i know that. time heals all. i just have to keep repeating that to myself.
i am on the verge of finding a new job. i am on the verge of moving completely out of this persons life and even that hurts. i don’t understand why moving on hurts so much for me and despite me being the one who is rejected i worry about how the other person will feel. it sucks to know that you’re the one who cares more. i am always the one who cares more. maybe one day this will change. maybe one day finally i will find someone who thinks i am worth loving. maybe one day. but today is not that day and tomorrow is not that day. but one day. i have hope that one day i will find that person. and that person will love me. one day.
Again, today is not the day i move on. but today is another step forward in accepting that this is over. i don’t think we can be friends. i will try my best in the meantime. the thing that worries me is that seeing him move on will trigger some sort of bigger reaction from me and i will relapse into being a big giant mess. im already a big giant mess. so being an even bigger mess worries me.
i often wish i could feel less things. feeling less things would make my life easier but i am a freaking caring person and i can’t change that about myself. i accept my faults, i am aware of my faults, and i want to work on being better and at the same time i want to work on accepting myself for who i am. i shouldn’t try to change myself for another human.
This is day 4. It will get harder, it will get easier. i will move forward and move on. time heals all. just gotta take it one day at a time. one day at a time, one feeling, one emotion at a time.
SiliconValleyWoes 