hello world,
It’s me, your resident poor choice maker. So mind you i just posted a blog where i reassure myself that ending things with a boy was the right thing to do. This weekend i completely backtracked and fell for the “i just want to talk” message. Yes we talked but we didn’t resolve anything. All we did was confuse ourselves more, or at least me. I have no idea what is going on. I feel weird.
I feel like things aren’t like they used to because i’ve made it clear that i don’t want to just be a hookup but at the same time he reiterated his stance that he isn’t ready for any type of commitment. So where did this conversation leave us? NOWHERE. I honestly have no idea what is going on. I’m confused and feel foolish for having backslid. It never works out, and now i think he won’t respect me or my feelings.
I was very clear that i care about him more than what our original agreement was and that i don’t want to know that he’s hooking up with other people. The back and forth was frustrating because we were both just afraid to lay it out on the table and end it. That is the logical choice. Neither of us want the same thing and if i give in i’m the one who is going to get hurt and if he gives in and “commits” he’s going to resent me and not be all in it.
I wish it was as easy to have my actions follow through with the rational thoughts my brain has. I’m disappointed in myself but at the same time i know that this hookup was inevitable and probably a good reminder that it truly is over.
Saying that out loud was a bit easier this time around. I know he cares about me to a certain extent but not the way i want/need to be cared for and if that isn’t going to happen well then we have no business being more than just friends. Our friendship will for sure suffer but that’s the price we’re going to have to pay. I hope that by writing this down i’ll start to believe it and follow through with actions. He had the chance to say this past week sucked and i want to give it a try but he didn’t. I don’t know what more evidence i want.
Right now i feel really stupid. I think today just cemented that we were both stupid for having fallen back. Nothing was resolved except solidifying it’s over. It sucks. I feel like i am not enforcing my personal boundaries and that is all on me. I could have sent him home, i could have said don’t come over. I could have done so many things and yet i did the predictable thing that i knew was a bad idea. Alas, here we are. Nothing i can do but move on and pretend that that this didn’t happen. I’m ashamed to tell my friends i let this happen. I’m embarrassed. Not a good feeling.
To be continued.
-SVW
SiliconValleyWoes 