The one where i talk about vulnerability

Dear World,

I’m not one for showing my emotions or admitting that i have feelings but i have so, so many of them. Yesterday i was able to see the person who last broke my heart and i realized that he continues to break my heart. Seeing him is seeing rejection personified. Seeing him makes me realize that no matter what i do he will not care about me. Looks don’t matter, personality doesn’t matter, if someone doesn’t like you they will never like you no matter what/how you change.

If they text you it does not mean that they like you. If they text you late at night it does not mean that they want to spend time with you. If they text you it does not mean anything. Getting your hopes up and imagining that it does will only set you up for failure — i lived it last night.

I put myself out there and told him that i missed him. He looked at me like i was crazy and it broke my heart all over again. I’m still confused as to why i continue to like this person — i know better. I know that we weren’t good together. I know that him and i would never be together long term and yet i continue to mourn the loss of him and what we had. I guess after years of never being comfortable enough to be myself i find it hard to let go of that. I had never dated a friend and after this don’t think that i ever want to again. i don’t want to be dramatic but good god am i sick of being hurt and sick of having mutual friends and sick of being the one who cares and the one that has to remove herself from social situations. i hate that i am the one whose life has to change.

I am moving in less than 3 weeks and i can’t emphasize enough how ready i am to go. i am not moving to escape a person but rather a way of living. i do not like the person that i became here and i don’t like the shallow and superficial friendships that i’ve created. i will miss so many people and so many things but i will not miss being treated like just a commodity. i do not truly believe that i am deeply cared about and that is the fundamental problem of everything and that i am fed up with.

I am constantly being vulnerable and putting myself out there by caring too much about others and expecting the same in return. i don’t think that will change about me but at least when i move i can focus my energy on other things such as my family and volunteer work. I’ve come to realize that no matter what, my family relationships are the ones i should be cultivating because no matter what they continue to care about me.

I’m very sad to leave a place knowing that the relationships i cultivated were all so shallow and superficial. In a world where connecting is so valued i feel like it only makes it easier to not care about more people. Perhaps it was mean of me to tell this person the he’s the straw that broke the camels back for me to leave, but maybe just maybe it’ll make them realize that the little things can really impact people and that if you choose to walk away from a person you can’t expect a friendship to remain intact.

To be continued.

-SVW

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the one where i finally decide to move

Hello World,

I guess this blog will have to change in about 4-5 months because this gal is moving! Why you ask? Well after 9 glorious years in the bay area i finally realized that i’m wasting my time here. I wouldn’t call the past 9 years wasted, after all 4 of them gave me a college degree but in the past 5 years i’ve done the whole young, dumb and wild thing. I now realize that I want to be closer to home and closer to the place where I’d like to settle down roots. Please don’t take that to mean that i want to settle down because I honestly am not ready. Heartbreak after heartbreak, deception after deception I’ve realized that I’ve kinda been there done that with SF. I have dated every guy imaginable from your startup co-founders, to your engineers, researchers, bartenders, finance guys, consultants; you name it I’ve gone on a date with it. It’s all been great and i’ve learned soooooo much more than I care to know but for now i feel like i want to go try all of this out in my city. Im such a midwestern girl and i’ll never be anything else. I want to live in a city where being punctual is valued!!! You have no idea how much of a deal breaker that is for me -_-

So when am I leaving? The plan is to leave in July. I’m going to start a Bay Area Bucket List and start checking off the things that you HAVE to do before you leave a city like SF. I hope to document this journey a bit better and hope you’ll join me for the ride!

In the mean time i do have to figure out some logistics — like a job and place to live but i feel like the hard part has been done; me deciding to go was the hardest decision i’ve made in a long, long time. I’m going to miss the life i’ve set up here and the routines that i have. I’m going to miss my friends and the comfort of knowing that i’m surrounded by SO many people from different phases of my past 9 years. I’m going to miss my tiny apartment (nostalgically i imagine), and i’m going to miss the vibrant strangers and bustling energy that this city offers; the boundless idea that the next big thing is in our minds and ready to be created. Who knows – maybe i’ll come running back (doubtful) but the door will always be open.

I love you San Francisco; this is the only break up where I know that I want to stay friends!

-SVW

 

the one where i talk about rejection

Hello World,

Let’s talk about rejection. We’ve all experienced rejection at some point in our lives. Whether you didn’t get into your dream school, that perfect job didn’t come through, or simply the guy you were into didn’t reciprocate. It can be a hard thing to process and move on from especially if you internalize the rejection.

If dating in silicon valley has taught me anything, it’s that you cannot take it personally. No matter how many times I come to the conclusion that anything that ends is for the best, there is the inherent “what did I do wrong?” line of questioning that I go through.

Let us walk through an example, we’ll use the last guy I dated and call him Jay*. So Jay and I met through a dating app and quickly hit it off. For the short 2.5 months that we dated we saw eachother almost every other day. He was attentive, he was a gentleman and he made me feel special. He complimented me like no had ever done before and he made me learn to appreciate and feel beautiful despite what I consider physical flaws.

We hung out a lot and he even offered to accompany me when I boldly proclaimed that I was going to go get a tattoo. He held my hand and didn’t make too much fun of all the crazy faces I made in the process. Then all of a sudden, he get’s a new job that’s out of the city and despite me being legitimately happy for him, I knew that this was ending. I don’t believe in long distance even if it’s only 40 miles, an hour train ride away, or whatever illustration shows that the distance was not terrible.

Long story short, within a week Jay completely became a different person. He no longer responded to texts the way he did before, he kept postponing and cancelling dates; in  essence he was trying to ghost me! Now i’ve been there done that with ghosting and it fuckin sucks on both ends of the spectrum — whether you’re the shitty person doing it or it’s done to you. So I’ve learned in the last couple of years to not ghost and actively call out those who are doing it to me and end things immediately. I don’t believe in stringing people along, or being kept on someones back burner.

So I called out Jay and we ended things soon after. It was an amicable break – but it stung, it hurt and it bothered the hell out of me. Despite knowing that this was the rational decision to make I couldn’t help but think that I just wasn’t worth a measly train ride. I thought that if he truly thought I was special he wouldn’t want to lose me. I thought that he would come to his senses and realize that he actually did like me enough and come running back to me.

Boy was I wrong, not only are these thoughts insane but someone not wanting to date me should not dictate my self esteem. Also, by not accepting distance as a legitimate reason to break up I was letting myself be delusional. Talk about being in denial in the face of rejection. Fast forward to 3-4 weeks post breakup and we had been texting and chatting and I of course mistook this for continued interest. In my mind, “i miss your sass” was “i miss you and i want you back” So with some liquid courage i finally asked the question i know that i didn’t want answered “do you want to keep dating or just be friends?” I sensed i was being strung along and knew that i would somehow rationalize it in my head unless i flatly asked. Needless to say, i got the answer i didn’t want and we have progressed to an actual break up. I know the truth, I have accepted the rejection and i have processed it. I know that i can’t take it personally and as easily as he came into my life he’s now gone and that’s ok.

Accepting rejection when it comes to us is an opportunity to evaluate our emotions and learn to deal with them. Putting off rejection or rationalizing it as something it’s not will come back to haunt you. Don’t do what i did, be better! Dating is hard and rejection is hard but it truly let’s you focus on what is more important in life. It’s also important to focus on the positive and loving people you have in your life. I knew that i had not done this with this breakup or my previous one and it’s time for a self proclaimed time out. I won’t actively seek out dates but if one comes along I won’t say no. I’m no longer on dating apps and when i go out meeting someone is the not purpose.

I’ve very excited to focus on me and my friends and see what life throws at me next — actually life happened as soon as I took this approach.

More to come on that!

-SVW

 

*name has been changed