The one where i talk about vulnerability

Dear World,

I’m not one for showing my emotions or admitting that i have feelings but i have so, so many of them. Yesterday i was able to see the person who last broke my heart and i realized that he continues to break my heart. Seeing him is seeing rejection personified. Seeing him makes me realize that no matter what i do he will not care about me. Looks don’t matter, personality doesn’t matter, if someone doesn’t like you they will never like you no matter what/how you change.

If they text you it does not mean that they like you. If they text you late at night it does not mean that they want to spend time with you. If they text you it does not mean anything. Getting your hopes up and imagining that it does will only set you up for failure — i lived it last night.

I put myself out there and told him that i missed him. He looked at me like i was crazy and it broke my heart all over again. I’m still confused as to why i continue to like this person — i know better. I know that we weren’t good together. I know that him and i would never be together long term and yet i continue to mourn the loss of him and what we had. I guess after years of never being comfortable enough to be myself i find it hard to let go of that. I had never dated a friend and after this don’t think that i ever want to again. i don’t want to be dramatic but good god am i sick of being hurt and sick of having mutual friends and sick of being the one who cares and the one that has to remove herself from social situations. i hate that i am the one whose life has to change.

I am moving in less than 3 weeks and i can’t emphasize enough how ready i am to go. i am not moving to escape a person but rather a way of living. i do not like the person that i became here and i don’t like the shallow and superficial friendships that i’ve created. i will miss so many people and so many things but i will not miss being treated like just a commodity. i do not truly believe that i am deeply cared about and that is the fundamental problem of everything and that i am fed up with.

I am constantly being vulnerable and putting myself out there by caring too much about others and expecting the same in return. i don’t think that will change about me but at least when i move i can focus my energy on other things such as my family and volunteer work. I’ve come to realize that no matter what, my family relationships are the ones i should be cultivating because no matter what they continue to care about me.

I’m very sad to leave a place knowing that the relationships i cultivated were all so shallow and superficial. In a world where connecting is so valued i feel like it only makes it easier to not care about more people. Perhaps it was mean of me to tell this person the he’s the straw that broke the camels back for me to leave, but maybe just maybe it’ll make them realize that the little things can really impact people and that if you choose to walk away from a person you can’t expect a friendship to remain intact.

To be continued.



The one where i share my thoughts on DTR-ing

Hello World,

Unless you have been in a loving relationship for the past 10 years or unbearably alone, you’ll have likely heard of the term DTR, it refers to the act of defining the relationship, the currently dubious and liminal stage of dating a person. The DTR conversation can take several forms and very much depends on the individuals involved, BUT there are some stereotypes that ring true about it and they annoy the hell out of me.

Allow me to rant for a little bit:

  • The female is usually the one to bring up the conversation
  • It’s incredibly awkward for no reason other than you know how the convo will go down
  • Honestly if you need to have the conversation it means both of you aren’t already aren’t on the same page (when you feel safe in a relationship you magically don’t have these conversations or they happen spontaneously, not after weeks of convincing yourself that it’s okay to bring up)

Anything to add?


The one where i’m still talking about dating

Hello World,

So it turns out that sometimes when you go out on one date it can lead to another and another and another. Apparently this is called dating. Now I’m not very familiar with this version of dating so please bear with me as I try to explain and learn in the process.

So dating as I know it consists of going on dates with different people. Typically you meet someone (in person or via app) and seem to think “they don’t look like serial killers” and you organize an outing. In San Francisco this usually involves meeting in a public place for drinks. After that, if you both tolerated each other and/or had a good time you plan a second date and that usually involves an actual meal. After that I normally go back to step one. That is the kind of dating that I’m familiar with. It involves dates, but there’s also a lot of scouting and vetting that goes on.

Most recently this past April I matched with a guy on a dating app and didn’t think much of it. Truth is, while I may get (what I consider) a lot of matches I usually have a terrible response rate. I purposefully took myself off of the Bumble market because not one person that I messaged responded to me! Yes that’s embarrassing, yes I probably should’ve kept that to myself.

[This is the part where the story starts to get really long and drawn out and I provide more details than necessary]

Anyways, this guy messages me (I really wish I could remember what the first thing he said to me was, but given that the matches expire after 21 days we will never know!) Friendly chit chat ensues and after several rescheduling attempts we decide to meet for drinks on a Thursday. Drinks somehow turned into meeting for dinner and overall it was a good date. I wouldn’t say great because although the conversation flowed there were some instances of awkwardness at least on my behalf. I’m just awkward and painfully self aware of everything I do in the moment that I’m doing it, which can sometimes be a problem. Luckily there was a couple next to us that was having a date that seemed to be exponentially less good than ours and I think that helped us feel better about ourselves. (Seriously guys, this other date was BAD. They spent a majority of the date talking about the names of the dishes -_-  And yes, I was eavesdropping because I couldn’t pass up this gem of a date.) Alas, date ends, check comes (he paid, despite my card in hand and offer to split) and he says “I’ll get this one because I picked the place. You can get the next one.” Lyfts are called, (I EXCLUSIVELY only use Lyft. Don’t get me started on why I don’t use Uber. Please don’t, you’ll regret asking me.) cordial hugs are exchanged and we are both on our way.

Post date thoughts:

  • I should have had a drink before we met up.
    • I have a pre-date routine of sipping on a drink while I get ready, but I was coming straight from work and a meeting with a group that I volunteer with. The drink is absolutely a placebo to calm me down and ease my anxiety of the potential awkwardness that the date can be.
  • I was quite unsure of whether I felt “sparks” or thought we had “chemistry” but I’m a big believer in giving good dates a second date because I don’t think you can tell on a first date whether you’re compatible with someone and deep down (not that deep down) I’m a helpless romantic that believes in the process.
    • [SIDE STORY] I actually used a Lyft Line to get home that night and felt like I really hit it off with the guy I was sharing the ride home with. He was super charming and handsome and asked me for my number. He disclosed that’d he’d be out of town that weekend but would love to grab coffee the following week. I gave him my number but because I have a bit of control issues I told him that I’d be the one to text him to hang out. I never did, mostly because I hate the thought of dating multiple people at the same time. I like to exhaust one possibility and then move on. I feel like it’s unfair to the person if you don’t give them your full attention even if you only ever go on two dates. Different strokes for different folks (I know plenty of people who stack up dates and that works for them but that just doesn’t sit well with my conscience)
  • I was impressed with this guy’s level of confidence and attentiveness.
  • I appreciated being treated to dinner. While I am the type that always, always, always offers to split the bill on the first date (and I mean it, I’m not just ruffling in my purse — I don’t play those games) there was something alluring about how this felt like a real date you see on sitcoms and/or romcoms.

There is obviously more to this story but I will end this already long post with a quote from a random dude on twitter @sgrstk “Don’t wait for someone to text you first. Dating is like sharing nachos: If you see a chip you want, fucking take it. Or somebody else will.”

To be continued…