The one where i talk about vulnerability

Dear World,

I’m not one for showing my emotions or admitting that i have feelings but i have so, so many of them. Yesterday i was able to see the person who last broke my heart and i realized that he continues to break my heart. Seeing him is seeing rejection personified. Seeing him makes me realize that no matter what i do he will not care about me. Looks don’t matter, personality doesn’t matter, if someone doesn’t like you they will never like you no matter what/how you change.

If they text you it does not mean that they like you. If they text you late at night it does not mean that they want to spend time with you. If they text you it does not mean anything. Getting your hopes up and imagining that it does will only set you up for failure — i lived it last night.

I put myself out there and told him that i missed him. He looked at me like i was crazy and it broke my heart all over again. I’m still confused as to why i continue to like this person — i know better. I know that we weren’t good together. I know that him and i would never be together long term and yet i continue to mourn the loss of him and what we had. I guess after years of never being comfortable enough to be myself i find it hard to let go of that. I had never dated a friend and after this don’t think that i ever want to again. i don’t want to be dramatic but good god am i sick of being hurt and sick of having mutual friends and sick of being the one who cares and the one that has to remove herself from social situations. i hate that i am the one whose life has to change.

I am moving in less than 3 weeks and i can’t emphasize enough how ready i am to go. i am not moving to escape a person but rather a way of living. i do not like the person that i became here and i don’t like the shallow and superficial friendships that i’ve created. i will miss so many people and so many things but i will not miss being treated like just a commodity. i do not truly believe that i am deeply cared about and that is the fundamental problem of everything and that i am fed up with.

I am constantly being vulnerable and putting myself out there by caring too much about others and expecting the same in return. i don’t think that will change about me but at least when i move i can focus my energy on other things such as my family and volunteer work. I’ve come to realize that no matter what, my family relationships are the ones i should be cultivating because no matter what they continue to care about me.

I’m very sad to leave a place knowing that the relationships i cultivated were all so shallow and superficial. In a world where connecting is so valued i feel like it only makes it easier to not care about more people. Perhaps it was mean of me to tell this person the he’s the straw that broke the camels back for me to leave, but maybe just maybe it’ll make them realize that the little things can really impact people and that if you choose to walk away from a person you can’t expect a friendship to remain intact.

To be continued.



The one where i share my thoughts on DTR-ing

Hello World,

Unless you have been in a loving relationship for the past 10 years or unbearably alone, you’ll have likely heard of the term DTR, it refers to the act of defining the relationship, the currently dubious and liminal stage of dating a person. The DTR conversation can take several forms and very much depends on the individuals involved, BUT there are some stereotypes that ring true about it and they annoy the hell out of me.

Allow me to rant for a little bit:

  • The female is usually the one to bring up the conversation
  • It’s incredibly awkward for no reason other than you know how the convo will go down
  • Honestly if you need to have the conversation it means both of you aren’t already aren’t on the same page (when you feel safe in a relationship you magically don’t have these conversations or they happen spontaneously, not after weeks of convincing yourself that it’s okay to bring up)

Anything to add?


The one where i talk about dating

Hello World,

As I mentioned in previous blog posts, I’ve got a pretty good rhythm going on in my life right now. I’ve been at my job long enough to know I’m doing enough things right that I won’t be fired (woooo!) And I’ve been putting myself out there in terms of being social and dating.

A bit of background on me and my dating history:

  • I’m kind’ve a huge loner. I don’t feel lonely when I’m alone and I think that’s an important distinction 🙂
  • I’m a helpless romantic turned semi realist, kinda cynical and definitely guarded when it comes to dating and love.
  • I’m an excellent wing woman!
  • I have succumbed to the world of dating apps (except Tinder).
    • However, I don’t have much luck on those. I’ll spare you the details of why I think that is.
  • Now, I won’t claim to have ever actually experienced love in the romantic sense but I do know that I’ve liked a person enough that when things ended I was sad for more than two weeks.
  • I’ve also been cheated on twice (there’s only been three relationships in my life; so take that as you will) and as a result I’m really paranoid about that happening again.
  • I’m terrible at expressing emotions or feelings in front of others, unless those feelings are about wanting fries.
  • I’ve got the first date routine down to a science.
  • I’m terrible beyond date two because I NEVER get passed date two.
  • I’m very guarded even in my friendships and it takes A LOT of trust to get me to open up about things. So If I do open up, know that it’s genuine and I care about you.

That sums up most of who I am and how I am as a dater. In my next blog post I talk about how the dating is going.

Stay tuned!