The one where i talk about vulnerability

Dear World,

I’m not one for showing my emotions or admitting that i have feelings but i have so, so many of them. Yesterday i was able to see the person who last broke my heart and i realized that he continues to break my heart. Seeing him is seeing rejection personified. Seeing him makes me realize that no matter what i do he will not care about me. Looks don’t matter, personality doesn’t matter, if someone doesn’t like you they will never like you no matter what/how you change.

If they text you it does not mean that they like you. If they text you late at night it does not mean that they want to spend time with you. If they text you it does not mean anything. Getting your hopes up and imagining that it does will only set you up for failure — i lived it last night.

I put myself out there and told him that i missed him. He looked at me like i was crazy and it broke my heart all over again. I’m still confused as to why i continue to like this person — i know better. I know that we weren’t good together. I know that him and i would never be together long term and yet i continue to mourn the loss of him and what we had. I guess after years of never being comfortable enough to be myself i find it hard to let go of that. I had never dated a friend and after this don’t think that i ever want to again. i don’t want to be dramatic but good god am i sick of being hurt and sick of having mutual friends and sick of being the one who cares and the one that has to remove herself from social situations. i hate that i am the one whose life has to change.

I am moving in less than 3 weeks and i can’t emphasize enough how ready i am to go. i am not moving to escape a person but rather a way of living. i do not like the person that i became here and i don’t like the shallow and superficial friendships that i’ve created. i will miss so many people and so many things but i will not miss being treated like just a commodity. i do not truly believe that i am deeply cared about and that is the fundamental problem of everything and that i am fed up with.

I am constantly being vulnerable and putting myself out there by caring too much about others and expecting the same in return. i don’t think that will change about me but at least when i move i can focus my energy on other things such as my family and volunteer work. I’ve come to realize that no matter what, my family relationships are the ones i should be cultivating because no matter what they continue to care about me.

I’m very sad to leave a place knowing that the relationships i cultivated were all so shallow and superficial. In a world where connecting is so valued i feel like it only makes it easier to not care about more people. Perhaps it was mean of me to tell this person the he’s the straw that broke the camels back for me to leave, but maybe just maybe it’ll make them realize that the little things can really impact people and that if you choose to walk away from a person you can’t expect a friendship to remain intact.

To be continued.

-SVW

the one where i feel betrayed

Hello World,

So it’s no mystery that I’ve cycled through roommates in the past 5 years. I’ve had cheap rent and have been lucky enough to keep my extremely small but rent controlled apartment. So, like my previous post mentioned I’ve decided to move. In the interest of full discloser I tell roommate one that I am moving in July and I will gladly talk to the landlord so that she can take over the lease if she so chooses (i’ve been the only one on the lease for over a year now). At that moment she tells me she’s moving out in 1.5 weeks!!! Ummmm, okay cool. I don’t mind people moving out but I do mind having it sprung on me with such short notice. Like had I not mentioned my move when was she going to tell me?!?!?!

Now I’m a very sensitive person so I took this personally. I thought we were friends – a friend would never do that. So then i go down the laundry list of ways in which im better off without her and this is the best thing that could happen to me. In reality I’m sad and feel betrayed. I feel like she has never considered me a friend and moving out 3 months before I am just screws me over in having to find a short term tenant and go through the hassle of moving finding a roommate and then moving.

I’m in a fragile state right now. My last breakup really shook me up and the decision to move is not easy. I don’t have a job lined up and I don’t have an apartment lined up but I do know that the time to move is now or never. I’m not getting any younger and deep in my heart I know that I need to be closer to family — to try that living situation out. Not to mention that living in downtown Chicago has been a dream of mine since I was a kid living in the suburbs.

I guess i’m not dealing with change in the best way that i can and this really hit me the wrong way. At the end of the day I’m not going to fight over a money because i believe in karma and know that what goes around comes around. I’d rather focus on finishing off strong at my current job and really find a great job in chicago that i can be excited to go too even in below freezing temperatures.

Overall, i’m sad and feel like living with this person for 3 years and knowing them for almost 7 means nothing. Most people will only selfishly look out for themselves and i need to learn to do the same!

More to come as i kick off my bay area bucket list!

-SVW

The one where i talk about my current emotional state

Hello World,

I’m sure you’re all familiar with the concept of feelings. Merriam Webster defines a feeling as an emotional state or reaction. Everyone experiences feelings differently and depending on your family, your upbringing and your culture you learn to express them in different ways.

Now I’m not a big believer in astrology but I do on occasion turn to my horoscope to see what fun tidbits I self prophetize into my life. I’m a cancer and we’re known to be super sensitive creatures with a lot of feelings. I generally agree with this but I was also raised to believe that showing emotion is a sign of weakness and am not very comfortable expressing my own feelings or putting myself in such a state of vulnerability.

The past couple of months have been unique for me for several reasons and have thrown my normally static emotional state into a bit of a frenzy. My poor friends and roommates have heard bits and pieces of this and have witnessed the craziness that has ensued from me trying to deal with this.

Here is a list of all of the things that have caused me to either act/be crazy.

  • Dubious medical results that could have ended in the diagnoses of cancer. While unlikely it still threw me into a nervous, paranoid and freaked out mode for the month between appointments and finding out!
    • I’M OKAY I DO NOT HAVE ANY AILMENTS 🙂
  • Along the same wavelength we had a friend of the family pass away from cancer right when I had received said dubious news and family conversations centered around nothing but death and cancer related deaths.
    • I didn’t tell my family about my state of affairs so of course they didn’t know how much hearing about such tragedy was affecting me.
  • I was traveling and taking time off of work. I was very stressed out about the amount of work I had to finish before being able to leave! I was not pleasant to be around on my last day before taking off for a week.
  • I was visiting my family for an entire week and while I love my family more than I can accurately describe I can no longer live at home for that long with out going a bit stir crazy. Emotions run high after 3 days of being back home.
  • I’m in a dubious dating situation. I’ve been seeing the same guy (more to come in later posts about that) for over 3 months now and as the perpetually single person in my friend group I don’t know what the hell i’m doing nor how to feel about this stage of dating.
  • Then there’s my job. I love so many things about my job but one of them is not the career change that has made me an entry level employee at a time where I should be further along in my career. I’m constantly annoyed by watching those who have less work experience do things that I’m more competent at but because of my title/position it’s no longer my place to do these things.
  • I also briefly had a roommate who had just moved in tell me that she was moving out and had to find another one – no bueno on the stress levels.

All of the above coupled with the tiny minutia that occur in day to day life caused me to be an emotional wreck that did stupid shit. I acted out, was immature, did things I regret and was your typical 20-something that doesn’t know how to handle themselves.

Right now, it’s my birthday month and that has caused the usual reflection that comes with aging and getting older. I feel in a much better place than right now than I have the last couple of months because I’ve come to accept that life is short and I should never be stressed over things that I cannot control. If I get dumped it’s not the end of the world and if I need to jump on craigslist to find a new roommate – not a big deal. I guess sometimes you need a reminder that life can take you in very different directions and you shouldn’t fixate on a specific ideal because the best things in life are sometimes the ones you do not plan!

-SVW