I’m not one for showing my emotions or admitting that i have feelings but i have so, so many of them. Yesterday i was able to see the person who last broke my heart and i realized that he continues to break my heart. Seeing him is seeing rejection personified. Seeing him makes me realize that no matter what i do he will not care about me. Looks don’t matter, personality doesn’t matter, if someone doesn’t like you they will never like you no matter what/how you change.
If they text you it does not mean that they like you. If they text you late at night it does not mean that they want to spend time with you. If they text you it does not mean anything. Getting your hopes up and imagining that it does will only set you up for failure — i lived it last night.
I put myself out there and told him that i missed him. He looked at me like i was crazy and it broke my heart all over again. I’m still confused as to why i continue to like this person — i know better. I know that we weren’t good together. I know that him and i would never be together long term and yet i continue to mourn the loss of him and what we had. I guess after years of never being comfortable enough to be myself i find it hard to let go of that. I had never dated a friend and after this don’t think that i ever want to again. i don’t want to be dramatic but good god am i sick of being hurt and sick of having mutual friends and sick of being the one who cares and the one that has to remove herself from social situations. i hate that i am the one whose life has to change.
I am moving in less than 3 weeks and i can’t emphasize enough how ready i am to go. i am not moving to escape a person but rather a way of living. i do not like the person that i became here and i don’t like the shallow and superficial friendships that i’ve created. i will miss so many people and so many things but i will not miss being treated like just a commodity. i do not truly believe that i am deeply cared about and that is the fundamental problem of everything and that i am fed up with.
I am constantly being vulnerable and putting myself out there by caring too much about others and expecting the same in return. i don’t think that will change about me but at least when i move i can focus my energy on other things such as my family and volunteer work. I’ve come to realize that no matter what, my family relationships are the ones i should be cultivating because no matter what they continue to care about me.
I’m very sad to leave a place knowing that the relationships i cultivated were all so shallow and superficial. In a world where connecting is so valued i feel like it only makes it easier to not care about more people. Perhaps it was mean of me to tell this person the he’s the straw that broke the camels back for me to leave, but maybe just maybe it’ll make them realize that the little things can really impact people and that if you choose to walk away from a person you can’t expect a friendship to remain intact.
To be continued.
Hello world —
Yesterday was my last day of work. Today is my first day of unemployment. It’s one of those surreal things where I’m still kind of in denial that i quit my job. It feels weird to not be stressed. It feels weird to know that I have absolutely zero things that tie me down. I just sent my rent check for my last month in the city and I went grocery shopping.
Today begins the last 25 days of being a silicon valley person. Today i continue with my farewells and goodbyes. Today i let go of the fear i still have and embrace the unknown.
There are so many mixed emotions.
To be continued.
I guess this blog will have to change in about 4-5 months because this gal is moving! Why you ask? Well after 9 glorious years in the bay area i finally realized that i’m wasting my time here. I wouldn’t call the past 9 years wasted, after all 4 of them gave me a college degree but in the past 5 years i’ve done the whole young, dumb and wild thing. I now realize that I want to be closer to home and closer to the place where I’d like to settle down roots. Please don’t take that to mean that i want to settle down because I honestly am not ready. Heartbreak after heartbreak, deception after deception I’ve realized that I’ve kinda been there done that with SF. I have dated every guy imaginable from your startup co-founders, to your engineers, researchers, bartenders, finance guys, consultants; you name it I’ve gone on a date with it. It’s all been great and i’ve learned soooooo much more than I care to know but for now i feel like i want to go try all of this out in my city. Im such a midwestern girl and i’ll never be anything else. I want to live in a city where being punctual is valued!!! You have no idea how much of a deal breaker that is for me -_-
So when am I leaving? The plan is to leave in July. I’m going to start a Bay Area Bucket List and start checking off the things that you HAVE to do before you leave a city like SF. I hope to document this journey a bit better and hope you’ll join me for the ride!
In the mean time i do have to figure out some logistics — like a job and place to live but i feel like the hard part has been done; me deciding to go was the hardest decision i’ve made in a long, long time. I’m going to miss the life i’ve set up here and the routines that i have. I’m going to miss my friends and the comfort of knowing that i’m surrounded by SO many people from different phases of my past 9 years. I’m going to miss my tiny apartment (nostalgically i imagine), and i’m going to miss the vibrant strangers and bustling energy that this city offers; the boundless idea that the next big thing is in our minds and ready to be created. Who knows – maybe i’ll come running back (doubtful) but the door will always be open.
I love you San Francisco; this is the only break up where I know that I want to stay friends!
Unless you have been in a loving relationship for the past 10 years or unbearably alone, you’ll have likely heard of the term DTR, it refers to the act of defining the relationship, the currently dubious and liminal stage of dating a person. The DTR conversation can take several forms and very much depends on the individuals involved, BUT there are some stereotypes that ring true about it and they annoy the hell out of me.
Allow me to rant for a little bit:
- The female is usually the one to bring up the conversation
- It’s incredibly awkward for no reason other than you know how the convo will go down
- Honestly if you need to have the conversation it means both of you aren’t already aren’t on the same page (when you feel safe in a relationship you magically don’t have these conversations or they happen spontaneously, not after weeks of convincing yourself that it’s okay to bring up)
Anything to add?
I’m sure you’re all familiar with the concept of feelings. Merriam Webster defines a feeling as an emotional state or reaction. Everyone experiences feelings differently and depending on your family, your upbringing and your culture you learn to express them in different ways.
Now I’m not a big believer in astrology but I do on occasion turn to my horoscope to see what fun tidbits I self prophetize into my life. I’m a cancer and we’re known to be super sensitive creatures with a lot of feelings. I generally agree with this but I was also raised to believe that showing emotion is a sign of weakness and am not very comfortable expressing my own feelings or putting myself in such a state of vulnerability.
The past couple of months have been unique for me for several reasons and have thrown my normally static emotional state into a bit of a frenzy. My poor friends and roommates have heard bits and pieces of this and have witnessed the craziness that has ensued from me trying to deal with this.
Here is a list of all of the things that have caused me to either act/be crazy.
- Dubious medical results that could have ended in the diagnoses of cancer. While unlikely it still threw me into a nervous, paranoid and freaked out mode for the month between appointments and finding out!
- I’M OKAY I DO NOT HAVE ANY AILMENTS 🙂
- Along the same wavelength we had a friend of the family pass away from cancer right when I had received said dubious news and family conversations centered around nothing but death and cancer related deaths.
- I didn’t tell my family about my state of affairs so of course they didn’t know how much hearing about such tragedy was affecting me.
- I was traveling and taking time off of work. I was very stressed out about the amount of work I had to finish before being able to leave! I was not pleasant to be around on my last day before taking off for a week.
- I was visiting my family for an entire week and while I love my family more than I can accurately describe I can no longer live at home for that long with out going a bit stir crazy. Emotions run high after 3 days of being back home.
- I’m in a dubious dating situation. I’ve been seeing the same guy (more to come in later posts about that) for over 3 months now and as the perpetually single person in my friend group I don’t know what the hell i’m doing nor how to feel about this stage of dating.
- Then there’s my job. I love so many things about my job but one of them is not the career change that has made me an entry level employee at a time where I should be further along in my career. I’m constantly annoyed by watching those who have less work experience do things that I’m more competent at but because of my title/position it’s no longer my place to do these things.
- I also briefly had a roommate who had just moved in tell me that she was moving out and had to find another one – no bueno on the stress levels.
All of the above coupled with the tiny minutia that occur in day to day life caused me to be an emotional wreck that did stupid shit. I acted out, was immature, did things I regret and was your typical 20-something that doesn’t know how to handle themselves.
Right now, it’s my birthday month and that has caused the usual reflection that comes with aging and getting older. I feel in a much better place than right now than I have the last couple of months because I’ve come to accept that life is short and I should never be stressed over things that I cannot control. If I get dumped it’s not the end of the world and if I need to jump on craigslist to find a new roommate – not a big deal. I guess sometimes you need a reminder that life can take you in very different directions and you shouldn’t fixate on a specific ideal because the best things in life are sometimes the ones you do not plan!