I’m not one for showing my emotions or admitting that i have feelings but i have so, so many of them. Yesterday i was able to see the person who last broke my heart and i realized that he continues to break my heart. Seeing him is seeing rejection personified. Seeing him makes me realize that no matter what i do he will not care about me. Looks don’t matter, personality doesn’t matter, if someone doesn’t like you they will never like you no matter what/how you change.
If they text you it does not mean that they like you. If they text you late at night it does not mean that they want to spend time with you. If they text you it does not mean anything. Getting your hopes up and imagining that it does will only set you up for failure — i lived it last night.
I put myself out there and told him that i missed him. He looked at me like i was crazy and it broke my heart all over again. I’m still confused as to why i continue to like this person — i know better. I know that we weren’t good together. I know that him and i would never be together long term and yet i continue to mourn the loss of him and what we had. I guess after years of never being comfortable enough to be myself i find it hard to let go of that. I had never dated a friend and after this don’t think that i ever want to again. i don’t want to be dramatic but good god am i sick of being hurt and sick of having mutual friends and sick of being the one who cares and the one that has to remove herself from social situations. i hate that i am the one whose life has to change.
I am moving in less than 3 weeks and i can’t emphasize enough how ready i am to go. i am not moving to escape a person but rather a way of living. i do not like the person that i became here and i don’t like the shallow and superficial friendships that i’ve created. i will miss so many people and so many things but i will not miss being treated like just a commodity. i do not truly believe that i am deeply cared about and that is the fundamental problem of everything and that i am fed up with.
I am constantly being vulnerable and putting myself out there by caring too much about others and expecting the same in return. i don’t think that will change about me but at least when i move i can focus my energy on other things such as my family and volunteer work. I’ve come to realize that no matter what, my family relationships are the ones i should be cultivating because no matter what they continue to care about me.
I’m very sad to leave a place knowing that the relationships i cultivated were all so shallow and superficial. In a world where connecting is so valued i feel like it only makes it easier to not care about more people. Perhaps it was mean of me to tell this person the he’s the straw that broke the camels back for me to leave, but maybe just maybe it’ll make them realize that the little things can really impact people and that if you choose to walk away from a person you can’t expect a friendship to remain intact.
To be continued.